When I open up to people and tell them the things I’ve been through, they’re often surprised. “You don’t carry yourself the way someone who’s been through the things that you have normally would,” is what I hear most, whatever that actually means.
Honestly, I’m not sure how anyone is supposed to carry themselves when it comes to shitty life circumstances, but I think we all have had to deal with them and we do the best we can with what we’ve been given, and all while trying continuously to improve the things around and within us, if we’re actually paying attention.
I mean, I’ve definitely had my moments, don’t get me wrong.
At times I still do.
There are moments that I get lost in and that I think I will never get past…
…but I do.
Every time, I do.
How? is the most frequently asked question. And, for that, I don’t really have an answer. For me, it’s always been just something that you do when there’s no other option. There’s no reversing time. There’s no standing still. Clearly, the only option is forward. So, forward it is. You break, you pick up the pieces, and you keep moving.
But I think what baffles people the most is when I say that I would not change a single thing about my past.
And ”Why?” is a much easier question to answer: changing any aspect of my past alters who I am now.
Because I am a firm believer that everything that happens was and is meant to happen, to either help us grow or to teach us something, or both. There are no accidents…
I’m not saying I’m perfect by any means. I’m sometimes depressed, almost always anxious, and I have a tendency to let both of those things run away with my mind on any given day (and horribly so on an off day).
I procrastinate to a fault, am almost always late for everything (even if by just 5-10 minutes), and am inherently needy (yet sometimes off-putting and distant – defense mechanisms, anyone?) when it comes to the people I love.
My entire physical (and sometimes mental) existence is cluttered and unorganized, and I argue with myself about the parts of it that I could actually fix on a daily basis.
I’m impatient, at times forgetful, angry at people on occasions when it’s easier than being angry at myself again.
Even with all of that, I still would not change a single moment of my life in order to be something other than what I am, right now, in this moment.
Most people would expect someone’s next sentence to begin with “Despite all of…,” but mine doesn’t; I view myself as a “Because of” person.
Because of what I’ve been through, I have learned how to listen to others and actually hear them.
I am compassionate and empathetic (sometimes to a “fault”).
I love with everything that I am, even beyond what I’ve imagined myself capable of, because I really don’t know another way to love; for me, it’s either all or nothing.
I’m creative in a lot of different ways and my mind is almost always filled with either strings of nonsense or oceans of depth (again, all or nothing); I breathe in colors and I sleep wrapped in the brilliant (and sometimes blatantly horrifying) ribbons of self-created dreamscapes.
But most importantly, I am a warrior. Regardless of anything that has been taken from me, that is something that cannot be taken away. I fight for what I believe is right. I fight for those who have been wronged. I fight for them because nobody fought for me when it was most important and most needed, and I know how absolutely lonely and heart-wrenching and heavy that feeling is to carry.
This heart, this soul, and the life that built me, were all given to me without my having a choice in the matter… and I’m glad that they were. Because if I had to choose, I would still choose to be the woman it has made me today.
She’s pretty fierce… and her heart? Even at its most vulnerable, it’s still capable of loving beyond measure, beyond boundaries, and beyond expectations… and that, to me, is what matters the most.
“You don’t carry yourself the way someone who’s been through the things that you have normally would.”
Maybe sometimes I do… and maybe most times I don’t. But, overall, I’m happy with the way I’ve carried myself.
I am most definitely what’s been referred to as a contagious soul, and that is something I would never change.