My Self-Pity Top 5

I apologize for this enormously long post in advance. I also apologize for any formatting/spelling/grammatical/HTML errors you may encounter here. You’ll see why when if you get to the end.

I don’t normally publicly partake in a giant vat of self-pity, but today? I’m going to. Because sometimes it catches up and suffocates me and I need to get it out.

So… I will tell you my Top 5 Reasons That Self-Pity Wins Today.

1. Job-Hunting: It Sucks. And I wouldn’t have to do it if I had not been so royally screwed by the company on which I wasted 12 years of my life. Granted, by the time it all happened I was burned out and hating it, but it was still a paycheck. Which we need to survive.

In case anyone missed the state of the economy lately? Jobs are nonexistent. Unless you’re in the medical field. Or want to drive trucks on the road. Neither of which I am qualified to do. As for the rest of what may be available out there? Let’s throw in the obvious: What’s the point of getting a job that will only cover the cost of day care? That seems rather counter-productive or, at the very least, unproductive.

So the hunting? It’s stressful. Mainly because it’s mandatory.

Which brings us to the following:

2. Money Woes. I’d love to be able to stay home with my demon spawn kids every day, but our fountain of wealth bank account is starting to nose-dive. Between our rent and the utilities alone, we’re shelling out more than what’s coming in per month. Not to mention the astronomical amounts in child support, which is approximately two car payments worth. I wish that was an exaggeration on even a remote level.

3. The Cars are Losing Limbs. They may not be on their last legs yet, but one has 125k miles on it and the other is up around 150k (give or take), so it’s only a matter of time. Every year we are dumping significant amounts of money into fixing one or both of them and we have no options open to us should one of them fail. With Jeff being contracted out to work an hour away and his company no longer offering car allowances for their “road guys,” us making it with one car wouldn’t really be feasible. Or safe. Especially with the youngsters in the house.

4. House Hunting. Which is more like “Residence Hunting” because I am nearly positive that we will never, as long as we live, be able to actually purchase a home.

At any rate, our lease is up in June. Less than 2 months. And there is nothing available in this area to move to. Nothing affordable, anyway. Most everything out here that’s more than 2 bedrooms (and, yes, we need a 3rd bedroom at the very least in order to maintain a semblance of sanity in this household and so the kids will sleep) is more expensive than where we are now.

Our landlord may or may not have agreed to let us stay an additional 2-3 months on a month-to-month basis while we look (in order to keep the property from becoming available mid-winter when no one would be looking to move into it), but he “forgets” what he tells us, so I’m not sure that it’s an option. I am sure that we’ll end up having to sign another one-year lease, which irks me simply because a) see #2 and b) our landlord is extremely… inattentive, for lack of a better word.

That carries us directly to this:

5. Our Landlord (aka The Condition of the House). He was trying to sell this house originally. Then when that wasn’t working out for him, he added a “lease with the option to buy” option.. Enter: Suckers Us.

We were told the house had passed inspection, that there was a new roof, new windows and new insulation; that he had purchased the house, poured $40k of his own money into it to update things, including new siding that complied with the historical society’s “rules” for this hunk of crumbling architecture on the corner double-lot in town. It looked amazing, inside and out. Four bedrooms, hardwood floors, 1st floor laundry and 3 bathrooms. It was everything we needed and had been looking for for considerably less than some of the other options in this area.

We eventually came to find out that whatever new insulation he was referring to did not refer to the attic directly above the master bedroom, which is just bare wood (thus making our room an icebox during the winter and requiring a space heater in order to sleep in there – guys? You can see your breath in our closet!). It also didn’t refer to areas around the baseboards where one can stand in the winter and feel an icy breeze. Yep! The perfect equation for an astronomical heating and electric bill.

So this landlord? Not ideal. Because he has no interest in fixing the things around here that are wrong.

Little things like a cracked window that he noted when we moved in and said he would get fixed as soon as possible.

Moderate things like sheets of plaster gradually separating from the walls, which are a nuisance as little pieces chip off and hit the floor.

And then there are the things he’s obligated by law to fix, like the exposed lead paint we notified him of back in October. Health hazards, anyone? You can see why another year here would send me over the edge make me so happy.

At any rate, what we got out of him with that last bit of information was him offering to allow us to break our lease, have our deposit refunded and move.

I mentioned we can’t find anywhere to move to, did I not?

So there’s the Top 5.

Allow me to introduce the laundry list of add-on straws that are breaking the camel’s back today:

  • I have somehow, again, scratched my eye. Third time in a month. Only this time, it’s my left eye, aka my “good” eye. This means I am wearing sunglasses in the house and have all the blinds drawn and am still in amounts of pain I never knew existed inside an eye before this past month came around to torture me.
  • The toddler does not care about my eye. He wants to exist in the daylight, which is what I can only imagine sharp daggers to the eyeball to feel like. And? He wants me to read to him. It’s hard to read in the dark with sunglasses on and eyesight already declared bad enough to be considered legally blind. Try it. I’ll wait…
  • The baby does not care about my eye. He also has this blasted daylight fetish and insists that I walk through sunny rooms while holding him. He also will not sleep. But he will scream. At least I know my ears are ok! For now..

And last, but not least…

  • Have you ever typed up an entire post on your phone because it’s the only screen you can hold close enough to read and the only one you can dim enough so as not to set your eye socket on fire? Yea… Good Times.

So, today… today I choose wallowing. Because I’m too tired and too blind to fight back.


About Caitlin's Concepts

Mom to 4 boys and drowning in a sea of testosterone!
This entry was posted in Life, My Babies and tagged , . Bookmark the permalink.

4 Responses to My Self-Pity Top 5

  1. MamaRobinJ says:

    Oh mah lord. You poor thing! I’m sitting here wallowing in self pity today but I obviously need to shut up. That sounds like all kinds of miserable.

    • Hey, everyone has moments. Mine are no more or less than anyone else’s.. well, except for the girl whose Top 5 consists only of things like a broken nail and some brassy highlights, but you get my point.

      It’s just… I need some straws to grasp on to, to help pull myself out, but they’re all too busy on the damn camel’s back and there’s a lot of days when I’m barely hanging on to sanity as it is. It’s so hard to tell if the Top 5 are the reasons the depression worsens or if the depression is the reason these things seem so insurmountable and overwhelming.

      Anyways, I just needed to whine for awhile… and I really appreciate you listening to it all.

  2. @maydossu says:

    Whine away, lady! Your landlord sucks big time. Can you get in writing the option to terminate lease, just in case, and give yourself some breathing space. Don’t know about you, but for me, really tight deadlines for major events just cause me to panic and not get anything done.
    No advice for the baby being awake at a silly time due to one here, but for the toddler? Now may be the time to introduce the concept of talking books and iTunes 😉

    • I really envy those people with toddlers that can be entertained with phone/ipod games… my little guy is SOOO clumsily destructive that my phone would be broken in a matter of minutes. 😉

      Come to think of it? We had one of those My First Story Reader things for him. He destroyed the books. Not purposely, but once a page gets bent/ripped and no longer sits in the device correctly, the reader has no clue what to do with it. Then once they became regular reading books, they never stood a chance. 😦

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