Working My Way Back

For YEARS, I have been mourning the death(s) of my old computer(s) because it (they) had all of my necessary software, fonts, and everything that kept me near a computer and working on the things that I loved doing.

I lost two computers within a matter of three years [(between 2010 and 2013) due to motherboard electrocution the first time, and a complete primary hard drive failure the second (which is why I will never not have a secondary hard drive/external hard drive)], and it stunted me pretty hard. I learned to trust the Cloud on my phone rather than trying to put any effort into a PC, and yet, here I am, typing a post to this blog ON a PC for the first time in years.

I’ve redownloaded my photo software that I thought was gone forever because it was no longer supported.

I spent hours editing years worth of photos, digging into the archives and clearing out what didn’t need to be there.

I’m going to have to figure out how to trust hardware and software, and trust in and of itself has always been a hard thing for me to just hand over.

But I’m trying.

And honestly?

I feel almost relieved in doing so (I’ll feel completely relieved when these photos transferred via phone over the past 7 years can be put into print form to fill photo albums that have been waiting so patiently to be filled – and when they’re also saved to my external hard drive.).

I’m working my way back into all of this, feeling my way with just barely the tips of my fingers, but it’s been an amazing process, and I hope that it continues as well as it’s progressed.

Here’s a sample. 🙂

IMG_1104-001

IMG_1086-001
IMG_1110-001

IMG_1092

Advertisements
Posted in Life, Photography | 2 Comments

Back to Basics

It dawned on me a few years ago that I had been spending a good portion of my time catering in one form or another to what everyone else needed, wanted, or expected of me.

In a few instances – motherhood, a job, etc. – those things are somewhat necessary, to an extent, but in others it is just downright unacceptable.

When I realized how many things I had set aside and how much of my happiness had come to simply depend on someone else being happy, it made me cringe a little. Ok, a lot.

But how do you go about changing the mindset that everyone else has to come first? That their schedules are more important than yours? That their happiness is more important than yours?

That in order for someone to fully love you, you’ve got to be exactly what they want/need you to be at all times?

How do you convince yourself that you aren’t just being selfish or self-absorbed by wanting your own needs to be met, or catered to, or even acknowledged as more than just some pipe dream that’s severely off-center from reality? And how do you figure out exactly what your needs are when you’ve pushed them aside for so long?

——————

I grew up in households where encouragement wasn’t something that was offered freely or on a regular basis (if even at all). By the time I was a teenager, expressing myself through writing and drawing was all that I knew. I lived and breathed by it. Any form of creative outlet that made me feel accomplished, that would stifle the typical onslaught of teenage angst, was perfect for me.

I still remember nervously sharing some of my poetry with one of my parents once and being asked, after they were finished reading, why it was that I only wrote from my own point of view. As if it were somehow selfish that I didn’t lace myself up into someone else’s shoes and speak with their voice when I barely even knew myself or had a voice of my own.

I stopped sharing it with anyone outside of the occasional close friend (and a trusted teacher here and there) for many years.

——————

In roughly 2003, I started a LiveJournal account (for those not familiar, it was/is a social platform where you could/can add people much like Facebook, only you’re reading their journal versus just their wonderfully hyper-glossed post updates. In other words, reality versus what people want you to see as their reality.), where I poured every piece of my soul after a shitty relationship culminated into a shitty marriage and ended in a shitty divorce. I was young, and naĂŻvely believed that marriage would improve our problems with insecurities and would prove our love for one another, when ultimately it served to make things worse on that front, along with several others.

After the divorce, I still maintained that account up until around 2010, after my last son was born. In that time, I learned how to communicate with others in ways that could bridge gaps of understanding and how to really convey things that I’d never been able to prior; basically, how to somewhat do the “human being” thing that seemed to come so easily to everyone else. Because verbally expressing myself to anyone has always been a weak spot for me (and one I view as a huge character flaw for the simple fact that any time I try, regardless of the emotions I am feeling at the time of attempt, I end up crying. It’s a bit ridiculous.), but now…? I could at least write it.

——————

2011 found me starting this blog, joining a writing community, and exercising the ever-loving hell out of a gift I thought just maybe I still had within: the gift of creating, of telling a story in a way that would capture the reader’s attention.

I was off work for a year, and I utilized that time as much and as often as I could. I took up photography. I wrote like crazy. The encouragement of the community I was in fueled me, made me reach deeper and push harder to get to places I hadn’t tended to in years.

Outside of that community, I had some support from a few others, but no real encouragement, and believe me, there is a huge difference.

I was thriving creatively, but floundering in every other aspect. And then, when I went back to work at the end of 2011, it all crashed down around me.

——————

2012 through 2016 found me losing myself in unhealthy relationships. Literally losing myself. I didn’t take time for me. I did what was asked of me, expected of me, and sometimes what I was given ultimatums to do. It’s a hard patch of ground to re-sow once it’s been poisoned that much, but I’m working on it (and dying for warm weather so I can finally get my camera back out!).

I’m still not entirely sure I’ve found “me” again yet, but I know that girl is in there and I know she’s itching to come out.

All she needs is a little encouragement.

Posted in Art, Life | Leave a comment

[Untitled]

I found this in a 5 year old e-mail to myself, and it struck a chord. Thought I would share.

Slanted landscapes,
Peripheral shadows;
Reality or myth
Is yet to be determined.
Digging deep to ascertain
Serves only to place me deeper;
Bury me beneath what I pull back in.
Analyzation was never
A loyal friend.

Devastation,
Wrapped in anger,
Encompassed in numbness:
A clever disguise for irrefutable frailty.
You test and,
Ever the mindful combatant, I rebut.
You cannot win;
What I’ve yet to determine:
Neither can I.

Posted in Life, Poetry | Leave a comment

The Rabbit Hole

Down the rabbit hole you slide again
Chasing a dream you never could make true
Eat this, drink that, ignore the cost
Of living backwards like a backwards fool

Hindsight has become your foresight
Slipping inside it like a glove that never fit
Forcing your way into a world
Where reality is only what you make of it

The memories become delusions
Of the one time you thought you could get it right
And while you slip on all your illusions
You forget for the moment all that’s in plain sight

Step forward, then retreat
This messy game means don’t admit defeat
Step back, then out once more
With love like a poorly locked revolving door

You’re the only one who can survive
On this pent up roller coaster of give and take
The rest falls by the wayside
While you cling to the glass you can’t help but break

Sticky shards of all your todays
Embedded deep into the wounds of yesterday
You’ll use anything you can to fill the void
Of a darkened heart that’s lost its way

Still wanting all the love that love has to give
While you stand there passing out crumbs
There’s no sense in reaching for tomorrow
Because, for you, tomorrow never comes

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

Drowning in the Less

I’ve had a bit of a dry spell lately where I sit down to write something and nothing comes, no matter how long or hard I stare at the “paper” in front of me.

I’m not sure where this actually came from or why. All I know is that it was there, that it needed to get out, and that I’m rather pleased with the result. 😊

Drowning in the Less

You keep yourself confined
Blame circumstances, blame surroundings, blame history.
But the truth is that’s where your comfort resides;
That inner circle: safe haven of security

Where nothing ever changes
Yet nothing stays the same
And all your wars are waged
In someone else’s name
Saying you want more
While drowning in the less
With a perfect rationale
For a far from perfect mess.

I used to see a fire in your eyes
Now just smoldering ash with a flicker of that promise
I’m left wondering how to reach the inside,
But it seems as though you’re aiming for this

Where nothing ever changes
Yet nothing stays the same
And all your wars are waged
In someone else’s name
You hint of something more
While you’re drowning in the less
Hiding in your haven
Chasing down the emptiness

It’s safer here, familiar
Where the winds can’t change direction
Where your mind’s convinced your heart
To ignore your soul’s conviction

So nothing ever changes
Yet nothing stays the same
With all your wars conducted
From the confines of your cage
Your cries for something more
Are still drowning in the less
While you quietly convince them
That it leads to happiness

Posted in Poetry | Leave a comment

Not Your Fairy Tale

There’s a fabulous timeline of events that I would normally (at this point) not feel the need to share with anyone, but due to certain circumstances and a need for a bit of public documentation, I’m going to. I’ll try to keep it as brief as I can, but, be forewarned, there’s a whole lot of psychotic to pack in to aforementioned brevity.

Anywho, hang on tight because here we go!

  • Girl meets boy
  • Girl and boy start dating
  • Boy continuously chooses alcohol and verbal abuse over relationship with girl
  • Girl breaks up with boy
  • Boy harasses and verbally assaults girl until she files for an Order of Protection
  • Girl falls for the same old lines of crap and stupidly has the OP dropped at the court hearing
  • Girl and boy date for a few more months
  • Boy reverts back to original ways
  • Girl breaks up with boy yet again (girl was rather dumb in believing that people actually change when their behavior is that far out of control, so this was a continuous cycle for approximately a year and a half)
  • Girl blocks boy’s phone number, e-mail address, and social media profiles
  • Girl begins seeing someone else a few months later (henceforth referred to as “man” – note the difference)
  • Boy emails her at her work email when all other avenues turn up zero results, so girl blocks him there as well
  • Boy tries to get mutual friends to talk to girl for him; girl advises them to stop doing so and they comply
  • Boy has complete strangers contact girl via Facebook Messenger, which she ignores
  • Boy discovers he can send girl “messages (ie, suggested pins about being heartbroken and alone)” via Pinterest and does so, which she ignores
  • Man tells boy to leave girl alone so that she does not have to deal with boy herself (which would be catastrophic and result in more excuses and abuse)
  • Boy vanishes for a few months after pathetically trying to defend himself to man with the same bullshit lines he used on everyone else in the past (that went completely unacknowledged, because “Man”)
  • Boy eventually sends more “messages” via Pinterest (repeat previous two steps)
  • Boy discovers two years after their breakup that he can attempt contact through girl’s WordPress blog by commenting because it would appear that he seems to think perhaps one of her posts (found here) is about unhappiness in her current relationship (which is so far from accurate that it’s laughable); he needs to remind her how heartbroken he remains over her with veiled statements about how she has “no clue,” will “never get it,” and “how sad” that is (because apparently love is insults and abuse?)
  • Man again contacts boy and reminds him to leave girl alone
  • Girl gets completely fed up with boy resurfacing from out of nowhere to interfere in her life and makes this blog post, now full well knowing that the psychotic ex will stalk his way on over and hopefully get the point already because she’s busy making Happily Ever After with the most amazing man she’s ever known.
  • Next Step Will Be To Take The Extensive Trail of Papers Documenting Every Episode of Stalking/Harassment from the Past Three Years to the Courthouse for Another Order of Protection (I hope that all of this is crystal clear now, despite what appears to be a consistent problem with comprehension and compliance).

So what do you guys think? This makes a great bullet-list story, right?

Hope y’all have a fabulous Thursday!

Posted in Life | Leave a comment

The Storm

It doesn’t come on slowly,
like the tide gently meeting the shore.
No, it comes on fast
and fierce,
like a hungry wave
crashing against rock,
devouring anything it finds;
every crack, every crevice wiped clean
of all that was hoping to survive
– possibly even thrive –
in the safety of minimal exposure.

There’s no warning.
No time for preparation.
No ability to seek shelter.

Just the helplessness of being
caught in the undertow;
hurled against the cliff side,
hoping that the bruises, and cuts,
and lungs filled with water
pass quickly.

Surfacing briefly,
gasping for air,
pulled back down again
by the weight of the unseen.

(How does one fight against the unseen?)

Eventually, the storm passes.
It always passes.

The exchange made for survival,
time after time,
is the constant relearning.

Relearning that ships can and do
pass in the night.

Relearning that they aren’t all the Titanic…

…but tending the wounds of each wreck
has become an exhausting
– and twisted – second nature.

So unwittingly skilled at drowning,

And yet so inherently skilled at relearning survival.

Posted in Life | Leave a comment